Sunday, April 15, 2007
Today is the first day in a very long time that I feel like screaming "I want my mommy!"I want to talk to her, to tell her the possible news, but I also want to be sure of this news.
Last night I spent thinking "OH god, we need a two bedroom apartment."
"What school district is close/good?"
"Where the hell am I going to find a baby sitter?"
"We can't afford THIS."
And then:
"I don't want this and I've gone out of my way to prevent this."
I know my mom is going to ask me what I am going to do, and the simple answer is that I don't know. I don't have the slightest idea of what I am going to do.
All of the flaws Toby and I share between us started to stick out in my mind, and the fact that we will never agree on parenting.
I studied child behavor and he has real life experience. Kids relate to me more because I'm still practically a kid myself. Toby likes to think he's a big kid, but he's an old big kid with a mentality equal to his age.
I look at how much his son hates him and how he ran away from his wife and child and think "This could happen again."
I think about how he flat out told me that if I gain a large amount of weight that he would leave me. I think about how unsure of our relationship I am, and how I often feel that he's more trapped by his situation instead of willingly in it and I wonder, "Could I do this on my own?"
What is "This" even?? Posted by the_ninja_style at 11:55 AM
